


Winter

by Lolita_Lollipops



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Angst, M/M, like wow angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-16
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-01-16 00:28:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1324924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lolita_Lollipops/pseuds/Lolita_Lollipops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He found himself wishing for the mornings back at the academy</p><p>(with a certain beautiful man rooming with him)</p><p>and his time in the master course</p><p>(in which he had more friends than he could have ever imagined as a child)</p><p>and his time being in STARISH.</p><p>(when everything began to change)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. He wished

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey! For anyone curious, I am in the middle of rewriting this little story of mine, for practice purposes. I'm going to keep up the original, but also post the newer version in good time. Message me if you're interested, I want to know if there's any people still in this fandom, lol.

There was a slight breeze, and Otoya couldn't figure out why. He tried pulling his blankets on over his shoulders, but the cold still bothered him.

He sighed deeply, sat up, and stretched his arms, looking with tired eyes to the early morning sky. Evidently, he would be waking now.

It was still purple at the top of the sky, but there was orange peeking out over the horizon. Given the winter weather, there was snow that fell yesterday still out in the meadows, and dark trees with their leaves lost to the throes of Autumn. The color contrast was very striking. Otoya shivered again, and noticed that the glass doors were open.

Sighing again, he slid out of bed and shut the doors quietly, so as to not disturb the early morning silence.

It was all beautiful, but there were times when he missed the winters in Japan.

(and the memories that came along with them)

Feeling the sudden urge to lay back in bed and fall asleep, he made to do that, but his phone on the bedside table began to buzz.

He picked it up, squinting at the especially bright screen.

It was five o'clock in the morning. The one calling him was Haruka.

Haruka?

(but they hadn't talked since STARISH split...)

He pressed "talk," albeit being somewhat nervous.

"Bonjou - ah, hello, this is Otoya speaking..." He mumbled, voice groggy from sleep. He rubbed his eye, then sat down on the hotel room bed, marveling at its comfort. If only he could fall asleep 

again... but, of course, it would be very rude to fall asleep while on the phone, he reasoned with himself.

"Otoya-kun?" Nanami's sweet, innocent voice hadn't changed, even after all these years. Otoya smiled in spite of himself.

"Yes?"

"Um, um well. Remember the principal? Shining Saotome, well, he wants. No, he requested that STARISH do a reunion concert?"

Otoya's mind blanked for a moment, his mind filling with memories of being with STARISH.

(and a delicate faced man with a silly half-smile)

Otoya shook his head, feeling a slight blush fade away with the action. "I don't know, Nanami-san. Our split was pretty dramatic, would anyone even come to the concert?"

"I'm taking that as a yes." Nanami said, point-blank, then hung up.

"H-hey!" Otoya redialed her, and she picked up.

"Yes, Otoya-kun?" She asked, sweet, innocent voice almost mocking Otoya. How the industry could change someone so naive as Haruka was a mystery to Otoya.

"Okay, I'll do it, but only if all the other members agree." Otoya said, flustered. He could hear Haruka softly giggle on the other end. Possibly, being Tomochika's songwriter had been the thing 

to change her. Tomo had always had an influence over others.

"Thank you, Otoya-kun." She said sincerely. Otoya heard the line go silent after that, so he hung up as well.

He put his cell-phone back down on the side table and sighed, falling back into the bed's warm embrace. 

He heard the silence of the room.

It seemed...rather lonely. Otoya withheld the urge to call Haruka again, and settled for going outside and getting a breath of fresh air.

It was silent outside. Winters always had a serene quietness about them, which Otoya usually admired, but it made him feel even more lonely now.

He found himself wishing for the mornings back at the academy

(with a certain beautiful man rooming with him)

and his time in the master course

(in which he had more friends than he could have ever imagined as a child)

and his time being in STARISH.

(when everything began to change)

He closed his eyes. He took a deep breath of the brisk winter air, hoping it would bring some sense back into him.

This concert wouldn't change anything between Tokiya and he.

No matter how much he wished it would.


	2. upon a star

Otoya closed his eyes, leaning his head back on the airplane seat.

Yesterday, Haruka had called with the flight plans all set up ("I'm sorry this is so last minute of me!") and now Otoya was flying from his home in France back to Japan. He'd stay for a day, and then he'd fly back. This would be nothing but a slight difference in his day-to-day life.

As people walked down the impossibly small aisle to their seats, Otoya breathed in the stale airplane air and thought about several winters ago, when the little things seemed brighter.

 

...

 

"Pencils down." The teacher chaperoning the entry exam sharply said, and the harsh silence in the classroom was broken.

Otoya let out a deep, relieved breath as he put down his pencil, and heard others do the same. Thank goodness that was over.

Otoya looked over the heads of the other people in the classroom, searching out the familiar pink-haired girl he had come across this morning. Alas, he could not find her. Otoya honestly hoped she had done well.

Buzzing with energy, he peeked towards the window he was seated directly next to, where the winter snow had blanketed the beautiful school grounds earlier this morning. It had stopped snowing now, but it was going to be way too cold when he got outside. He'd have to hurry home.

As the teacher spoke (something about how they hoped they'd all get in, have a nice afternoon!) Otoya saw someone walk out of one of the neighboring buildings.

He was wearing a large dark blue trench coat that looked very warm, and a tan and red plaid scarf. He was texting with one hand, his other one in the pocket of his coat. But Otoya didn't really notice those things. What he did notice was that the mystery man had dark, raven-toned hair that contrasted well with the whiteness of the snow, and that the man's eyelashes were the exact same color. It was shockingly pretty. Otoya found himself observing this for longer than he'd like to admit.

Just at that moment, the man looked up and made direct eye contact with Otoya.

Otoya couldn't see very well, but from what he could tell, the man's eyes were purple...wait a sec, wasn't that Hayato? Otoya squinted. Quirkily-styled hair, pale skin and well-toned physique...yeah, for some reason, out in plain view, Hayato was visiting the school. 

Realizing that these kinds of things were probably very common at this sort of school, Otoya smiled brightly and waved at the idol. Hayato jumped, and quickly looked back to his phone. Otoya saw a faint blush rise on Hayato's cheeks. It must be very cold outside! Otoya shivered a bit, himself, in quiet sympathy.

Otoya felt a faint tap on his shoulder. He turned around, confused. The teacher smiled politely at Otoya and said, "Are you going to be leaving soon? Everyone has already left..."

"Ack! Sorry, sensei!" Otoya bowed, and raced out of the room, embarrassed to be caught zoning out.

...

Otoya smiled, looking out the window of the plane. He remembered how excited he had been later when he found out that Hayato was his roommate, and his later embarrassment to find that he had mistooken Hayato's twin brother for Hayato himself. The Tokiya he knew then was jaded, testy, and busy. Of course, he knew now that he had been like that because he was overworked, what with keeping a secret identity and all.

Even so, Otoya had found himself strangely infautated with the boy...

Otoya focused on the night sky. It was late in the evening, and the stars had just begun to peek out of the dark curtain of night. The moon was large, white, and waning; matching the white of the light snow that peppered the runway for the airplane.

Just then, Otoya saw a flash of light out of the corner of his eye. He looked to the night sky again to see a shooting star.

He felt a sudden childish desire to make a wish upon that rare star. He sighed. Well, there was no harm in a little wish.

'I wish...' Otoya thought, 'I wish that I could talk to Tokiya, just one more time.'

Satisfied with his wish, he sat back in his seat, and looked to the seat next to him. It was still empty, but Otoya remembered that there was a passenger next to him. The passenger must be late to their flight.

Deciding upon that, Otoya moved his bag (which was previously under his feet) to that seat. This way, he could stretch his legs out fully like he had been wanting to for the past thirty minutes.

Otoya sighed, closing his eyes. It would be a long flight to Japan, so he might as well try to sleep now.

"Excuse me?"

Otoya opened one eye, peeved that someone was already trying to wake him, but paused as he saw a familiar face.

Tokiya. Tokiya was on his flight to Japan. 

At a loss for words, Otoya could only "huh?" in response, gazing at the familiar pale face and dark eyes.

"Can you move your bag?"

"Uh." Otoya moved his bag back under his feet, not really thinking much of anything as he did it, and Tokiya sat stiffly next to him, draping his coat between them.

It was the same coat Otoya had first seen him in. It was still in well repair. It looked soft. Otoya resisted the urge to touch it, rather, rested his head on his left hand and looked to the night sky again.

It was going to be a long flight, for sure, in more ways than one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew
> 
> sorry this is late but I've had so much homework this week
> 
> like wow
> 
> how unfair


	3. for life

It was five hours into the flight. There was only one hour left, and Otoya was bored out of his mind. He had read the complementary magazine the whole way through four times, had already attempted lyric-writing (he hadn't had any inspiration for five years, but he could at least try), and Tokiya had not said a word to him since the boarding. He couldn't even sleep, he was so nervous around the man!

They could at least have civil conversation, right?

But, somehow, Otoya felt like he shouldn't speak to Tokiya. He had this unapproachable aura about him right now.

Otoya glanced at Tokiya, feeling shy.

He was still as pretty as ever, even five years later. He had a gentle, sloping jawline that curved to make a slight chin; his eyes were dark and dangerous. His eyelashes were incredibly thick. Otoya remembered running his fingers along them, how the little hairs had tickled his fingers. Tokiya's hair was impressively styled as ever, gel keeping any stray hairs out of place. His lips were pursed, eyebrows furrowed, as he read a novel.

Tokiya glanced over to him then.

Brighter by the light of the compact airplane light above Otoya, his eyes shone purple. Otoya saw his own reflection, and that of the open window behind him, in Tokiya's eyes, and for some reason, Otoya shivered. He remembered a primal desire in those bright eyes, a wicked smile, before...

Otoya averted his gaze quickly, feeling heat graze his cheeks and ears. Not now! This was not what he asked for when he wanted something interesting!!

Otoya heard a faint chuckle to his right. He turned to look indiginantly at Tokiya, but the man had already brought his powerful gaze back to his book. It was a shame. Otoya had felt, for a moment, that the ice that had years to form between them had melted.

Sighing, he closed his eyes and remembered a time when there were no boundaries between them.

...

 

"Tokiya," Otoya drawled out his name as he lay on the bed, trying to write lyrics. Said roommate had just come back from his classes, and was currently slumped on the couch, looking at some official-looking documents. It must be one of the assignments for the Special Class. Otoya felt a hint of jealousy run through him at the thought. Good musician-ness must run in their family. He only wished he could write lyrics as well as Tokiya - as it was, he could barely write lyrics himself.

Tokiya sighed, and looked up from his papers, glaring at his roommate. "Yes, Otoya-san?"

Tokiya's glare always sent shivers down Otoya's spine. He chose not to question why, just enjoyed the feeling while it lasted. 

"You look busy." Otoya mused, hiding an excited smile. Surely, there was going to be more glaring!

But instead of sending Otoya an attractive peeved look, Tokiya simply sighed, and looked to the window, where snow was falling.

"I suppose I am."

Otoya took a closer look at Tokiya, as the other man was distracted by the view outside. Tokiya had dark bags under his eyes, and his skin was pale like snow. He looked thinner than usual, and when Otoya glanced at Tokiya's hands, they were shaking.

Otoya thought of a solution.

"I'll be right back," he murmured, and Tokiya hummed in response, still staring at the window.

Otoya searched out the nearest vending machine, and checked to see if they had what he wanted - and they did.

"Yes!" He exclaimed quietly, before putting 500 yen into the respective slot in the machine.

Out rolled a hot chocolate - perfect for a winter day.

Otoya returned to the dorms. Tokiya had begun working on the papers again. He was leaning against one hand, rubbing his forehead, as the other one wrote.

"Tokiya."

Tokiya glared up at Otoya.

"What do you-"

He stopped when he saw the hot chocolate. Tokiya swallowed, looking back at Otoya.

"You look like you could use a pick-me-up." Otoya found himself blushing for some reason. (Was he entranced by the slow, hesitant smile that graced the other boy's face, like a rising sun on a cold winter day?)

With shaking hands, Tokiya grasped the beverage. His cheeks were red.

Otoya felt a hint of hope blow through his mind. Tokiya was most likely feverish, though.

Tokiya opened the beverage, steam rising out of the can. He took a careful sip of the hot chocolate.

"Thank you," Tokiya mumbled. He looked up through his eyelashes at Otoya.

"I-" Otoya swallowed, his tounge feeling clumsy in his mouth. "-it's no problem." 

The room was silent. Otoya knew he had to speak, to say something.

"W-when you're feeling better!"

"Hm?"

Otoya internally cursed. What was he going to say? "U-uh."

"What do you want to do when I'm feeling better?" Tokiya prompted after a few moments of awkward silence, and Otoya felt his cheeks flush in shame.

"Do ya," Otoya coughed. "Do you want to go out?"

Tokiya raised an eyebrow. 

"Like out on the trails! We can walk! And chat, or. Yeah." Otoya amended, wanting to smack himself on the forehead.

Tokiya looked back to the hot chocolate in his hands.

Then he brought his gaze to Otoya.

...

"Sure, I'd like that."

Otoya jerked awake, hearing the familiar voice next to him.

He had fallen asleep, somehow. Otoya blinked several times, dazed and confused. Was Tokiya speaking to him?

"Sir, what would you like to eat," a decidedly non-Tokiya voice asked, and Otoya blanched, looking at the flight attendant with confusion. What? Food?

His stomach rumbled. 

He smiled politely at the flight attendant. Otoya heard a snicker to his right. Otoya flushed, then fished his wallet out of his back pocket.

Otoya placed his order, and the attendant pulled out a sandwich covered in saran wrap and handed it to Otoya.

Gratefully, Otoya dug in.

A few hurried minutes later, the food was gone.

"Your eating habits haven't changed."

Otoya looked at Tokiya. He had a plate of food in front of him, as well, which he was picking at.

"Neither have yours." Otoya remarked, crumpling the plastic up into a ball and balancing it on his plate.

"So."

"So."

"You live in France, as well?"

Otoya jumped up in his seat. "I was just gonna ask you about that!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (alternately titled: otoYA U HuGE FRickING DOrK)


	4. to become better

"-and remember when I asked you out that one time?"

"I don't remember that."

"Well, you *were* sick. I think we ended up playing Mario Kart or something."

Tokiya scoffed. "I must have been sick, to play such mindless games rather than work."

Otoya smiled, a familiar bright feeling rising within him. Tokiya and he had spent the last hour catching up and remniscising on years past. He had forgotten how fun it was to talk with Tokiya. They were so different in

personality, yet they fit together in a way.

Tokiya looked deep in thought, staring at a fixed point somewhere in the distance. His thoughtful gaze wandered over to Otoya, and the measured calculation in those indigo eyes sent a shiver down Otoya's spine. He was

reminded...

"Remember when you kissed me?" Tokiya asked, his voice a quiet hum near Otoya's ear in the din of the airplane's motor.

Otoya smiled fondly, his ears getting hot. "Yeah."

"It was only a week after I was sick, right?" Tokiya prompted, a light blush peppering his pale face like a visible sunset on a cold, foggy winter evening. Otoya had missed that face.

Otoya closed his eyes and let the sweet memory wash over him.

...

"Aren't you worried we'll be caught?" Tokiya flustered as Otoya pulled him along the dorm hallway.

"Relax. Saotome wouldn't object to a little fun outdoors." Otoya looked back at Tokiya, and slowed his pace at the uncertain look in Tokiya's eyes.

"If you want, we can go back to the dorm. It's no big deal, we can-"

"No, no." Tokiya said, adamant. "I'll - okay. But only for half an hour, you hear? I've got...things to take care of in the moring."

Otoya gazed at Tokiya, uncertain. He had only just recovered from his previous cold, and he still looked too pale. He really shouldn't be spending too much time outside.

But, he had made a vow to himself, and things had to be carried out.

"Okay!" Otoya started running again, Tokiya stumbling behind him.

They burst out of the main hallway, into the brisk winter air. The cold hit them both like a punch in the face; unexpected and unwelcome.

"Let's make this fifteen minutes," Tokiya huffed out, his breath fogging in front of him. His cheeks were flushed, he was still in pajamas, but Otoya had decided this was going to happen only five minutes ago. There was no

time for appropriate clothing. Otoya, himself, had only grabbed a light hoodie. He suppressed a shiver, and flashed a devious smile at Tokiya.

"Agreed."

Otoya looked up, into the night sky. The stars had come out hours ago; right now they were at their brightest. The night was a perfect time to make a snowman.

Otoya closed his eyes, silently wishing that Tokiya would loosen up and have some fun, even if it was only today.

Then he looked at Tokiya, who had a sensitive look on his face. His eyes were half-lidded from exhaustion, but they showed a hint of concern.

Otoya decided right then that there was no need for that face in their fifteen minutes of fun.

"Are you ready for this?"

"...somewhat."

"Then let's go!"

Otoya dove to the ground, packing together a medium-sized snowball. He began rolling it on the ground, running so that the work would be done faster. The ball was soon large, and Otoya left it where it was. He blew on his

hands, rubbing them together; cursing his lack of gloves.

"...um," Otoya heard next to him, and he turned to look at a sheepish Tokiya. "It seems we've made two bottoms."

"...huh." Otoya surveyed Tokiya's snowball, then his.

"You can be on top," Otoya said, picking up Tokiya's ball and putting it on the snowman.

"Okay," Tokiya said hesitantly.

Otoya bent down and retrieved some snow to make the head, but it turned out that Tokiya had the same idea.

They both stared at each other for an awkward moment.

Tokiya was the first to throw.

The light snow burst in Otoya's face, and he let out a surprised sqwawk. He looked to Tokiya, confused in this change of character.

Tokiya was looking off to his right, cheeks flushed. He glanced back at Otoya, once, twice, before smirking, probably at the snow melting on Otoya's face.

So, this was how he was going to play.

Otoya thrust his snowball at Tokiya, and an impromptu game of snowball began.

Back and forth, back and forth snowballs flew. Tokiya was wild. Otoya was soon drenched in snow, because though he could procure snowballs faster, Tokiya had much better aim than he.

Otoya was just about to throw a particularly large ball at Tokiya, but the teen had stopped, and was just staring at Otoya. Just then, Otoya noticed how close they had gotten.

Tokiya's eyes were framed by dark eyelashes, that tangled together a bit, Otoya noticed. His hair was dark, face pale. He fit so well in the winter, tall, skinny with lanky fingers that were clutching at the fabric of his pajama

shirt.

Yet, he was blushing. Winter had no color, and yet, Tokiya was blushing.

Otoya lowered his hands and let the snowball drop. He felt a sudden, irresistible urge to touch Tokiya's face, to see if it was as cold as the snow.

But he resisted.

He laid down on the snowy ground, sighing. He watched the puff of air disappear into the night sky, he felt water seeping into his coat, and Tokiya laid down next to him.

Otoya glanced at Tokiya.

"You ready to go back yet?"

Tokiya turned his head, blinking twice before answering. "Not quite yet."

Otoya hummed in agreement, then looked at the stars again.

"Such a pretty night."

"Yeah," Tokiya breathed out.

Otoya looked to Tokiya. Tokiya had the same idea.

Their breaths intermingled.

For a shocked minute, all they could do was stare.

"...you wanna," Otoya breathed.

Tokiya swallowed. "...um," he mumbled. If he wasn't blushing earlier, he sure was now.

Otoya brought a hesitant hand to Tokiya's strong jawline. It was warm, so warm.

Under the cover of starlight, with a half-finished snowman in the distance, Otoya kissed Tokiya.

...

"Yeah, that was great..." Otoya murmured, lost in thought.

He glanced at Tokiya. Tokiya was blushing a pleasant rose, staring at his feet.

Otoya felt his ears heat up, and he looked back to the window again, embarrassed.

For some reason, he thought that Tokiya would take him back, just for a moment.

He sighed.

Just because you wish on a star, doesn't mean everything you want will happen.

A voice crackled on the intercom.

"We will now be landing in Tokyo. Please put on your seatbelts, and turn off your electronic devices."

Otoya leaned back in his seat, looking out the window. Many stars glittered in the cloudless night sky. Sighing, Otoya closed the window, darkening the area where he and Tokiya sat.

His phone rang with a text as soon as the plane landed.

Otoya shuffled in his seat, retrieving his phone from his back pocket.

The text was from Haruka.

"I'll be waiting for everybody in the F wing. Please come with your suitcases! I'm really excited to see you all in person again! Let's do this!! =^. .^=

Otoya looked to Tokiya, who was also looking at his phone.

Tokiya smiled grimly at Otoya, then stood up and got in the line of people waiting to get out of the plane.

Feeling dumbstruck, Otoya followed him, hefting his bag up.

While he waited in the line, he remembered another time he had felt compelled to follow Tokiya.

...

"eeeehh? Tokiya, why are we going here for our one-year anniversary?"

"We've gone here before, Otoya, what's wrong?"

Otoya shuffled his feet behind Tokiya as they walked to their usual date-place - the Venti; a local coffehouse-slash-karaoke bar that Tokiya had been fond of in his Hayato days.

"I just...thought we could try something different, you know? We've spent a year together; why not, I don't know, go skiing or something?"

Otoya had made it no secret that he wanted to try learning how to ski at some point in his lifetime. He had actually been hinting at trying skiing classes with Tokiya for a while now. Tokiya had been studiously avoiding these

"ridiculous" requests, preferring a sense of normalcy.

Therefore, they were going here again.

It's not like it was bad at the Venti. It was a pleasant atmosphere, and really nice during the cold winter months. But, there were times when change was good.

And Otoya wanted to try something new today.

Tokiya kept walking, his face stoic, like it always was when Otoya got "this way."

Otoya sighed, crossing his arms like a child.

He hated it when Tokiya got this way.

They walked into the Venti.

It was empty.

It was usually bustling with business - the Venti was popular among teens in the area - and seeing it this way was, in a way, saddening. Otoya noticed where the tables were cracked, and how old the curtains were.

"...huh?" Otoya mumbled, looking around the deserted scene with wide eyes.

Tokiya tugged on Otoya's hand.

"Wait here," he said, quietly, seating Otoya at a table near the karaoke stand.

Did Tokiya plan something?

Curiousity piked, Otoya stayed seated, but his leg started bouncing.

After a few minutes, all the lights in the building shut off, save for the one above the karaoke stand. Otoya almost felt like laughing. This was just too convenient!

Tokiya walked up onto the stage. (The karaoke stand was on a platform that stood two inches above the ground level.)

He was holding a guitar. Otoya's guitar, to be exact.

"Eh? What are you doing with my guitar, Toki?"

Tokiya's face flushed red. "Please be quiet," He half sighed, half pleaded, and Otoya giggled. He imitated a zipper over his mouth, and leaned back in his chair.

Tokiya strummed a simple cord, and began to sing.

It was pleasant, and Otoya really enjoyed it, but the end lyrics were what caught him the most.

_"...and if I am the winter, then you would be the sun,_

_rising, under purple,_

_an orange that melts me away."_

And, right then, Tokiya looked straight into Otoya's eyes. He looked raw, open. And, most of all, free.

Otoya smiled, feeling a bright, sunny feeling rise within him. Tokiya smiled back, a serene, quiet smile, and beckoned that Otoya walk forward to meet him.

Without breaking eye contact, Otoya got out of his chair, his knees feeling weak. While Tokiya's voice was a common thing, no one had ever serenaded him.

His shaking hand met Tokiya's own jittery one, and Otoya rose on his tiptoes to kiss Tokiya lightly on the mouth. He carded his other hand through Tokiya's soft hair, deepening the kiss as much as he could. Tokiya was already a little taller than him, and the extra two inches made it just that much harder for Otoya to kiss Tokiya.

Tokiya, who had been stiff before, responded to Otoya's touch, bending to make things easier.

Tokiya squeezed Otoya's hand. Otoya squeezed back, reassuredly. They were safe here. The curtains were closed, and they were alone. The owner knew them well, and probably allowed Tokiya this freedom because they were frequent customers. He wouldn't sneak pictures.

Otoya pulled back, blinking away tears. One escaped, though, and landed on his hand above Tokiya's.

Tokiya rubbed his thumb over Otoya's cheek.

"You okay?" He asked, concerned.

"Yeah, I'm just...jazzed." Otoya looked up. "Thank you."

Tokiya stared at Otoya for a bit, a blush coloring his face. He pressed a kiss to Otoya's cheek, then pulled back completely, walking to a box at the back of the stage. He pulled out sunglasses and scarves.

"Ready to assume our secret identities? People will be coming in within ten minutes."

Otoya smiled, wiping away a stray tear from the corner of his eye.

"Always, as long as it's with you by my side."

...

Tokiya had some other luggage to get, so Otoya headed to the F wing by himself.

Haruka was waiting when he got there.

"Oh, yay! First to arrive."

She was as beautiful as ever. She had let her naturally pink hair grow out, so that it grazed her shoulders. A clip was perched in her hair - a clip with a black cat on it. She looked older, mature. Otoya wondered if he looked different to Haruka. He didn't think he had changed much...

...well, then again, neither had Tokiya.

"It's great to be back in business with you, Haruka-chan." Otoya bowed, and Haruka bowed in response.

"It's always good to see you, Otoya," she said, a cute smile on her face.

One by one, the members of STARISH entered the corridor. Tokiya was the last to arrive, carrying a large suitcase. What could he have possibly needed one that big for? They were only staying for a day or two to complete this concert.

"So...we're back together again," Otoya prompted, looking at all the familiar faces he had missed during his years traveling the world.

Syo had grown a bit, but was still the shortest of them all. Natsuki was smiling. He wasn't wearing his glasses. Cecil had taken on another new fashion - he was wearing a tweed jacket. Ren looked sophisticated as ever, and Masato was avoiding Otoya's gaze. Haruka was cheery, but she also wouldn't look into Otoya's eyes. Tokiya had a stormy look on his face.

Tokiya leveled his gaze to Otoya's, and just like that morning at the Venti, he felt his knees go week. But, he steeled against his emotions, and stared right back at him.

"As it seems," Tokiya said, a wry smile gracing his features.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go.....


	5. but he didn't see

Otoya sighed, leaning back in his chair. Within the next five minutes, someone was supposed to come in and fix up his stage make-up. After that, someone would come in and hairspray his hair until it didn't move. And, fifty minutes after all that was finished, he would be on stage with the rest of STARISH.

Hopefully for the last time.

Otoya didn't want to burden them with his presence any longer.

Otoya sighed. Now, if any time, was a good time to remember what brought him here-

and why he couldn't ever get together with Tokiya again. Ever.

...

"I don't know, Otoya, maybe we're pushing it,"

"No. We've got the disguises, and everything!" Otoya smiled back at Tokiya. "It's fine, it's only a quick walk through the vendors. Even Masato wouldn't say no to that."

"It's awful crowded, and someone could recognize us-"

"Tokiya." Otoya turned to Tokiya. Even with the sunglasses, Otoya could tell that Tokiya was concerned.

They hadn't been able to go to any public events, ever since STARISH became even more popular with the Uta Pri award win. Otoya, who lived for such events, had protested greatly. Now, he was breaking the rules, and he and Tokiya both knew it.

The thing was, Otoya could care less about how others saw him. He was frustrated, having to hide his relationship with Tokiya from the public and their friends. He just wanted to be in love with Tokiya and let everybody know it.

Even if that meant giving up his idol job, he'd do it, so long as Tokiya walked with him.

Otoya grabbed Tokiya's hand.

"Come on, let's go!" He exclaimed, tugging insistently at now familiar thin hands.

"Otoya-" Tokiya began, as they shuffled through the heavy crowds, hand in hand.

"Otoya!" Tokiya exclaimed, jerking away from Otoya.

Otoya was pulled along by the crowd slightly, but he pushed back to Tokiya.

Tokiya gave Otoya a pointed look. "Why are you doing this?" He half exclaimed, trying to talk to Otoya over the clamor of the throes of people around them.

"Doing what?" Otoya yelled back.

"Breaking the rules!"

Otoya paused. Wouldn't it be obvious?

"Because I love you!"

It was Tokiya's turn to pause. Otoya realized that he had said out loud what he had been thinking for a month now.

This was definitely not the way he wanted to tell him, but the past was in the past.

"I love you, Tokiya, and I want everyone else to know, too! I'm tired of hiding from the press, from STARISH, and from myself." Otoya gazed into Tokiya's eyes. "Please. Just for fifteen minutes? Let's go get some dango."

Tokiya looked vaguely shocked. But, soon a smile rose to his face.

He stepped forward, raising a gloved hand to gently caress Otoya's face.

"You are quite something, Otoya." Tokiya smiled.

Tokiya's hand was warm, combating the cold around them. Otoya leaned into Tokiya's touch, closing his eyes, feeling a happy little dance start in his chest. Oh, man, he really loved him.

Otoya felt Tokiya's warm breath on his cheek.

Someone next to them breathed, "Oh, my god."

Otoya blanched, looking at the crowd. It had gone silent, and many people had their phones out, recording. There was a circle around Tokiya and him.

Otoya felt his jaw drop slightly, and he clicked it shut.

He snapped his head back to Tokiya, who looked distraught, and scared.

Otoya felt frustrated tears rise to his eyes.

There was no room for that face. They were supposed to be having fun on their date!

Tokiya should be smiling.

But, there was no way to crack a joke during this situation. They were screwed.

And, that's when Otoya decided.

As camera flashes went off, he stood in front of Tokiya, shielding him from the flashing lights.

"That's right!" He exclaimed, feeling his cheeks burn with anger. "I love him! He! My boyfriend! We are just a normal couple, trying to have fun during this festival!"

"Otoya, be quiet," Otoya heard Tokiya, and he stopped yelling, looking with wild eyes to his boyfriend.

Tokiya was looking at the ground, a sensitive look on his face. Otoya felt his anger melt away, and concern, instead, crackled in his lungs.

"T, To-"

"Just - drop it, okay? In three, we'll run."

Otoya sighed. He so wanted to prove his love to Tokiya, but he supposed that Tokiya would probably love him more if he kept his mouth shut and ran for home.

So, he did.

...

Otoya closed his eyes, thinking as the make-up artist dabbed foundation on his face.

After that disaster, STARISH had fallen downhill. Everyone in the group didn't seem mad, but also didn't say anything to both Otoya and Tokiya.

They all had a meeting later, about five months after the event, all collectively agreeing that STARISH be put on hold for the time being.

And, a month after that, Tokiya and he both agreed that their relationship needed to be put on hold, as well.

During the five years up until now, Otoya had been using his money that he had gotten while in STARISH to travel the world, experience new things. He had stopped in France.

He had been planning on leaving, at some point, but…Haruka's call had interrupted his travel plans.

The make-up artist finished her ministrations, and left the room.

Otoya remembered her. They had chatted a few times in the past, but today she hadn't been as talkative.

Otoya furrowed his eyebrows. He wanted to rest his head on his hand, but he remembered last-second that he didn't want to smudge the heavy stage make-up and have it re-applied.

Of course none of the staff wanted to talk to him. He was the one who had broken STARISH up, anyways.

The hair stylist eventually came in and started fixing up Otoya's hair.

Otoya zoned out during the process, thinking of his apartment in France.

The reason he had stayed there for so long…

A man walking down the sidewalk, groceries in hand

A bright blue sky, as snowflakes rained down all around them

The first day of winter, and he knew

He knew…

…

Before he knew it, Otoya's hair was finished, and he was being ushered directly backstage, where the rest of STARISH was.

"-smudged your make-up again, I swear- "

"-clothes ripped, I don't know how-"

"-what were the lyrics again? I can't remember…"

It was chaos. Staff were running about, talking (yelling) loudly on headphones. Most of STARISH were sitting in a circle, reviewing the lyrics for the song written by Haruka especially for this reunion concert. Tokiya was apart from the group, leaning against the concrete walls, and looking through the curtains, to the audience.

It all went silent, when everyone noticed Otoya.

Of course. Otoya had thought that they had forgotten, for just a moment, what he had done.

"Carry on," Otoya sighed out, not meeting the eyes of any of his former band members.

Talking continued, but in hushed tones.

Otoya wanted to stand next to Tokiya, but was wary of what Tokiya might think of him. Had he pushed too hard back on the plane?

Otoya sighed. This all felt rather out of character for him, all this worrying…and yet, he couldn't stop.

Otoya's own travels must have made him this way, he presumed, and Otoya found that he didn't mind it all that much. It was fine to slow down in life and think about things every once in a while.

This constant worry, however, was rather annoying. He wanted to talk to Tokiya…get things cleared up between them.

But, there was no way that was going to happen. There was no use in wishing, and getting his hopes up for no reason.

"We're on in five!" One of the staff exclaimed, and Otoya cleared his mind of all thoughts Tokiya.

Okay. Perform in the concert, get on the next flight to France, and leave Japan for good…

Right?

Otoya felt a heavy feeling sink low in his chest. Was this…sadness? Regret?

For what?

It was probably stage nerves.

Right?

Feeling jitters run up his spine, Otoya decided to go take a look at the crowd.

He walked to the curtain, and then peeked out the side.

He lost his breath, for a moment.

Outside, there had to be at least a million people, all crowded in the stadium, making a lot of noise.

"Wow…" Otoya breathed.

"I know, right?"

Otoya blinked, and then looked at who had spoken.

Syo smiled at Otoya, his blue eyes bright and full of energy, like always.

"It's amazing, how many people came here to support us."

Otoya smiled, feeling a weight lift from his shoulders.

"It really is." He said, meaning every word.

"One minute! We've got one minute!" Someone yelled, and everything went to chaos.

Otoya dropped into the back of the line, behind the rest of STARISH. Someone bumped his elbow, and his jacket was kind of itchy.

Yet, Otoya had forgotten how much he had missed this, this exhilarating rush of adrenaline pounding in his head and jumping in his abdomen. He had missed the thought of all the people outside who wanted to see them all and watch them all perform.

He had also forgotten how the feeling made him forget anything that was bothering him.

It was the same feeling Otoya had gotten when he had first taken a skiing lesson. In fact, it had been the first thing he had done once he had left STARISH.

He remembered feeling like he was flying, as he was going down the snow.

(He remembered running into a familiar face there and leaving the next day)

As Otoya ran on the stage, he felt kind of like he was flying, as the audience cheered STARISH on.

…maybe he'd go to the after party before taking off to France.

Just maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh man, here we goooooo


	6. that it already was.

It was in the middle of the second song when Otoya realized that something was up.

For one, Tokiya had completely disappeared from the stage. Otoya hadn't seen him leave. Cecil kept fumbling up his dance steps, which meant that he had something on his mind. Ren kept sending Otoya meaningful glances which tried to communicate something that Otoya didn't understand.

Otoya, for his part, was trying his best to perform well. With the audience cheering them on, he was fueled. He felt more energetic than he had in a very long time.

The second song ended, and Otoya held his pose, breathing heavily. It had been a long while since he had regularly exercised, and it showed.

The lights all turned off.

Blinking from the sudden light change, Otoya glanced at the other members of STARISH, or tried to. He couldn't really see in the dark.

Otoya heard someone walking onto the stage. Quiet, dainty footsteps…Haruka?

Whoever they were, they tapped one of the microphones, creating a loud feedback noise that had the audience covering their ears.

"I'd like to make an announcement, if you don't mind listening for a moment."

Aha, so it was Haruka.

She snapped her fingers, and the lights suddenly came on.

Squinting from the assault to his eyes, Otoya observed the scene.

The audience, confused but still excited, murmuring. Haruka, standing her ground with the most confidence Otoya had ever seen her show, grasping the microphone with thin hands, hazel eyes demanding attention. Otoya felt a burst of pride for his good friend. And then, the members of STARISH behind Haruka, all standing in a row, on the far left Ren, then Masato, Cecil, Natsuki, and finally Syo, who gave a reassuring smile to Otoya.

Otoya scratched the nape of his neck and gave a little wave to Syo. He felt all the attention suddenly gravitate to him, as he was out of place. He moved to stand in the line, but Masato motioned that he stay put.

Otoya took a deep breath, and watched Haruka as she spoke.

"I'm sure all of you are aware of the events that occurred five years ago." Haruka spoke slowly, and enunciated each word with its proper weight. Otoya felt a bit of shame. So, this was what it was going to be about. No wonder Tokiya had run off.

He steeled himself. He deserved this, for ruining the careers of his friends.

"Two of my friends were ostracized for doing what comes natural to most – falling in love. As you all know, being idols, loving is considered wrong, when it is perfectly right to those who want it.

"My friends, Ittoki Otoya, and Ichinose Tokiya, were treated as outsiders, and I wanted to apologize for…not being open about some things."

Wait, what? Otoya's eyes widened as Haruka moved to meet Otoya's gaze.

"I…am on your side. Whatever's happening right now…I just want you to know that I am romantically involved with Cecil."

The audience had become dead silent. Otoya glanced wildly at Haruka, who was looking a little unsure, and at Cecil, who was looking at the ceiling, a blush high on his face.

Ren cleared his throat. "If I may speak as well, Haruka, I would like Otoya to know," Ren paused here, glancing at Otoya, who was still shocked.

"…that Masato and I have been…involved for a while."

Wait, what!?

All this time, Otoya had thought that they had all hated him for what he had done…but it turned out that they had been hiding their own relationships, as well?

Natsuki giggled, saying. "Oooh! Oooh! Syo and I love each other very much, too!"

"Idiot! I didn't want to let everyone know!" Syo's face was cherry red.

Otoya let out a surprised laugh, suddenly feeling like he needed to sit down, as soon as possible. This was all just too much.

Up until this point, the audience had been silent.

Otoya hadn't noticed, but they had started cheering, loudly.

"Let them love, let them love," the chanting began small, but grew, until eventually the whole stadium was yelling, and Otoya felt so grateful for everybody he could have cried.

"Thanks," he said, not really thinking when he started speaking. "But, I'm not really sure if I have much of a relationship anymore…"

"I think I have something to say about that."

Otoya whipped his head around, spotting Tokiya, who had a…guitar?

No way. He wasn't…was he?

Oh, my god.

Otoya blushed heavily, biting his lip.

Tokiya strummed the telltale first chord, and Otoya felt his heart soar.

As he had bravely done at the Venti, Tokiya sang for Otoya, the other members of STARISH adding in at the last chorus, and it took all of Otoya's strength to stay rooted in place, rather than rushing over to kiss that…sneaky little…

This was his plan all along, wasn't it? To wait this long, until the moment was right…

There had been many moments in the past, but, evidently, this was perfect for Tokiya.

Otoya gasped, suddenly realizing – they were home, finally.

Tokiya finished his song, his eyes closed in a serene sort of way.

He made a pretty picture then, a tall man with his guitar.

Feeling lighter than he had in years, Otoya rushed to his boyfriend, gathering him in a long, warm hug.

Behind them, the crowd cheered, as Otoya let the tears he had been holding back for five years out in Tokiya's arms.

If this was what he had meant when he had said "Wait until we're home," Otoya would have done this years ago!

"I missed you," Tokiya murmured.

Otoya drew back from the hug, whispering while shyly looking at Tokiya:

"Let's go home together."

…

The concert ended after a few more songs.

Otoya returned backstage to ultimate chaos. Staff were yelling into walkie-talkies:

"Where is Cadie's makeup bag? Is the food ready? Are there going to be paparazzi?"

Otoya only caught little bits of conversations as he was rushed to his dressing room.

But, all through it, people were smiling at Otoya. Staff who were running by, all the band members…

Who knew…maybe people had been smiling at him this whole time and he had never even noticed.

Otoya stopped undressing and glanced at himself in the mirror.

Something…had changed, hadn't it?

Otoya felt free, and the man in the mirror showed that.

His hair was all mussed up, and some of the stage make up had smeared because he cried, but his eyes were alight with…something, something Otoya couldn't name. His cheeks were flushed, and he was smiling.

He hadn't honest-to-god smiled in a long time.

Someone knocked at his door.

Assuming that it was one of the make-up artists, there to take off his stage make-up, Otoya yelled,

"Come on in!"

The door opened slowly to reveal Tokiya.

"Um," Tokiya's gaze roamed slowly down Otoya's half-naked body, then snapped back to his eyes. "You coming to the after-party?"

Otoya swallowed, looking away. "If…if you'll have me?"

Tokiya smiled warmly, entering the room.

"Of course. Didn't you listen during the concert? We're all together on this."

"But what does 'this' mean? Are we going to rebel against the higher-ups in idol society and cause a country-wide riot? Because the last time I tried that…" Otoya looked at Tokiya, unashamed now that they had found their home. "…the last time I tried that, my boyfriend walked away from me."

"But we found each other again."

"In China, in the United States…and in France. We didn't even try, and our paths crossed." Tokiya sighed, smiling. "I believe we're meant to be together."

Otoya stood, rooted in place, as shock overtook his system.

He knew about France, but the other places?

…

Year 1 – China

Yabuli Ski Resort

January 19th, 2009

"…and you need to bend your knees like this," The instructor demonstrated on his own set of skiis. "-otherwise, you will lose control of your skiis and crash."

Otoya was lucky he had studied many different kinds of foreign languages during his short time at Saotome Academy. However, he could still only recognize some phrases, and trying to learn a new thing while being taught in a foreign language was more difficult than he could have ever imagined…but he couldn't stay in Japan.

Otoya had been getting a lot of trouble from the press lately, having them crowd him whenever he dared step out of the house. There had been tons at the airport. He almost missed his flight here.

It was his own fault, he knew, for making such a ruckus with Tokiya.

He could only hope that Tokiya wasn't having the same amount of trouble as he had to deal with.

Otoya shook his head. That stuff was in the past!

Now, he could do daring things, like learning how to ski, something he hadn't been able to do when he was with Tokiya. Maybe he'd even meet a guy here, who knew! The possibilities were endless.

And, yet, Otoya still found himself missing his home…

"And now, push!" Otoya moved his ski poles and drove them deep into the snow, and he flew, along with the other people, down the beginner's slope.

The wind blew directly into Otoya's face, and he shivered at the icy breeze biting at his nose.

It was right then that his skis hit a patch of ice not covered by the snow, and Otoya slipped backwards and hit his head on the ice.

"Someone! Help, this man has fallen down!" Otoya heard the instructor yell.

Otoya didn't remember much for a while after that, only that he looked up at the sky, and at that moment, decided that he hated winter.

…

"But, China-" Otoya began.

"I was in the same hospital room as you. A… skiing related accident." Otoya blinked, remembering a few hazy images that might have been Tokiya in the bed next to his, with a broken femur.

"You skied? You?" Otoya asked, resisting the urge to laugh.

"Shut up! Your constant whining about wanting to learn made me curious, alright?"

Otoya laughed, a hearty sound that filled up the room.

"You dork! Why didn't you te…" Otoya realized the situation.

He cleared his throat, and looked away.

"But, what about the United States…"

…

Year 2

United States

New Orleans

Tuesday, February 16th , 2010

Otoya stretched, relaxing in his hotel room.

According to the doctors, Otoya had been in a skiing related accident in China, and had suffered some amnesia. Eventually, the memories would come back, but for now, Otoya was clueless. He faintly remembered being transported to another hospital, and then a plane ride? Apparently, a year had passed, with Otoya remembering very little from it, up until recently.

Otoya did remember that he had been living in New Orleans for a month.

However, not once had it ever been this noisy.

Otoya took a look outside and saw chaos in the streets.

People were parading about, waving flags. Someone was throwing necklaces everywhere. There was music blasting from somewhere, an upbeat happy tune that made Otoya want to run out there and dance along with the rest of the town.

So, he did.

He dressed quickly, rushed out of the hotel room, and joined the crowd.

It was amazing, like a festival at home, but with lots more dancing.

It was also pretty cold. Salt lined the streets, to keep away ice. Otoya's breath fogged out in front of him, and he felt uncomfortable in the cold. The crowd's warmth certainly helped, but there was always a certain chill about winter to Otoya, one that wouldn't go away.

Vendors lined the streets, and wonderful scents of American food wafted among the crowd: fried chicken, onion rings, and jambalaya. Otoya wondered what wonderful United States holiday allowed such foods.

"What's going on?" He yelled out.

A familiar deep voice responded: "It's Mardi Gras!"

Otoya saw a flash of dark hair, before he was pushed along by the crowd.

Was that…?

…

"I saw you in the crowds, and later at a bar. We…talked, don't you remember?"

"Not entirely. I'm a blackout drunk, remember?"

Tokiya chuckled. "I forgot, sorry."

"What did I say?" Otoya asked, curious. "You know, when we were talking."

Tokiya's face flushed suddenly, and he looked away from Otoya.

"It's not so much as what you said, as to what…you did."

Otoya blinked, hazy memories of a heated room and a silly half-smile running through his mind.

"Ah. I see." Otoya coughed.

"Yeah."

Otoya stole a shy glance at Tokiya.

"If you've found your home, I don't mind…things like that again."

Tokiya blinked. "About that," he began.

Otoya furrowed his eyebrows, and looked down at his undressed state.

"I'm gonna get dressed before we talk about this, 'kay?"

"Ah, hum, do you need me to step outside?"

Otoya only needed to give him a look for Tokiya to realize who he was talking to.

"Don't…don't look at me like that! Go on, get dressed!"

Otoya laughed a bit.

He got dressed quickly (more for Tokiya's state than his own), and sat down on the provided couch, gesturing for Tokiya to sit down, as well.

"So…France."

"We are neighbors in the same apartment building, right?"

"Yes, we are."

…

Years 3-5

Paris, France

Janice Apartments

"Well. This is unexpected."

Otoya had just been exiting his apartment to go visit the travel agency (to see where to travel to next) when he had caught sight of his mystery neighbor.

Ichinose Tokiya stood next to him, key in lock, a paper bag of groceries in hand. His face had colored prettily.

In the year that he had lived here, he had never caught sight of the neighbor to his left, up until this point.

Otoya cleared his throat. "Hello, I guess? It's been a while."

Tokiya's face darkened, and he entered his apartment and shut the door.

…

For the past three years, things had been like that.

And, now, Otoya was set on figuring out why.

"Why did you avoid me? I mean, I remember what you said when we separated all those years ago, that once we found our homes, we'd contact each other again."

"France was not my home, Otoya."

Otoya looked to his boyfriend, who looked rather meek in that moment.

"I needed to think on some things back then. Can I just…" He put a gentle hand on Otoya's cheek and kissed his lips lightly. Their first kiss in five years.

Well, three, if you counted New Orleans. That was still news to Otoya.

Otoya's eyes fluttered closed, but Tokiya pulled away too soon.

Otoya opened his eyes slowly, to see Tokiya looking concerned.

"I'm sorry, for what I'm going to say. I…don't want to seem overbearing."

Otoya rubbed Tokiya's shoulders, hoping to reassure him. Nothing Tokiya could say would ever be strange.

Tokiya let out a small breath, and hugged Otoya, whispering in his ear:

"My home is with you."

Otoya hugged him back.

"Are you silly? That isn't overbearing at all."

Tokiya drew back from the embrace.

"I thought the same thing, back then, when we were at that festival. That I'd do anything in the world, if it meant that I could walk with you."

"I love you." Tokiya said, his voice cracking in the middle.

"I love you, Tokiya."

They embraced again, and Otoya found that he couldn't ever hate winter again.

So long as Tokiya was there, even the worst of weather looked like a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....and we're done.
> 
> phew
> 
> I'm probably gonna edit parts of this fic later, but for now, I am done.
> 
> thanks to all who ever commented or liked my fic! It brightens my day, to see that people like my writing. Thanks for reading (and thanks for waiting)!

**Author's Note:**

> Trying my hand at fic-writing again.:) Hopefully, I'll be better scheduled.:)
> 
> Also, to anyone who knew me as lolitalollipops on tumblr, I deleted that account and switched to my writing one, a-crystalline-sky. You can talk to me there. Sorry for the sudden change!
> 
> The next chapter will be up whenever.


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